There are two reasons as to why I haven’t been posting as much lately. The first is because I’ve committed myself to writing some more fiction this year, and I’m trying to write as many stories as I can. I’ve finished writing two already, and I’m currently working on a third; but I’m not quite ready to share them publicly just yet. I have to pass them by certain people in my family first before I can feel comfortable sharing them with anyone else. But I aim to get at least two or three of these puppies churned out every month this year, and so far I’ve kept that goal. (Of course, we’re only about 8.3% of the way through the year, so we’ll see if I can stick to this goal for the rest of it.)
However, I’m learning that fiction is much harder for me to write than non-fiction. I can write about my religion and my favorite art until the donkeys come home, but it’s a lot harder to develop interesting characters and create interesting stories for them to run around in. When I sit down to exegete hidden Typhonian messages in my favorite horror movies, I just blurt it all out at once (and then I have to work on cutting it down so it won’t take people five and a half days just to read the damn review). But when I sit down to write a story that comes out of my very own brain, I’m lucky if I can get just one paragraph finished in a single day. I keep working at it, though, because it’s important to me that I be remembered for at least three things after I die:
I want to be remembered for…
- Being the best son/brother/husband/friend/father (?) I could possibly be.
- Spreading as much of Great Seth’s magic within my own little sphere of influence as I possibly could.
- Writing crazy pulp fiction stories that some folks might really enjoy.
Well I reckon I’m doing an okay job with those first two things so far, but I still have a lot of work to do on #3, and I’m already approaching my mid-thirties for Duat’s sake. (If I were H. P. Lovecraft, I’d have just over a decade left to get all this shit done!) So it’s time to get serious here; I’m determined to make 2016 “The Year G.B. Finally Wrote a Book That Makes Big Red Proud” (even if it doesn’t necessarily get published this year).
But the second reason I haven’t been posting as much lately is because I think I’m depressed. It’s only occurred to me recently that there wasn’t much time for me to grieve for my mother-in-law back during the fall. From mid-October to the end of December, my life was pretty jam-packed; there was my mother-in-law’s passing, my sister Tina’s wedding, my mother-in-law’s funeral, our trip to the Bahamas for our wedding anniversary, our Thanksgiving family get-together, a month of insane Christmas shopping, Christmas itself, New Year’s Eve, plus a last-minute weekend trip to Niagara Falls (on the Canadian side). And then there was all the normal (and sometimes abnormal) stress from work, to boot! So when the winter holidays were finally over and I realized there won’t be anything else to look forward to for a while, I began to feel kind of…empty.
Naturally, my wife is still grieving for her mother, and I am too. There are random moments when I realize all over again that we can’t just hop in the car and go over to her house and have dinner with her anymore. Moments like that make me feel incredibly claustrophobic, like I need to run screaming from my house and go climb a mountain somewhere and be as close to the sky as possible. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my wife’s feelings on the subject, as you can probably imagine. But still, I find myself thinking about death a lot lately. I find myself thinking about what I would do if my wife died, or what she would do if I died instead. It’s never good when I start going down that road, but thoughts like that keep seeping into my brain while I lie awake in bed at night, trying to fall asleep. And then I start thinking about what it’s going to feel like when my mother dies, or when Tony or Patrick or Tina die, and so forth.
I also feel like I haven’t been doing as good of a job with having daily prayer time since the winter holidays ended. Granted, I know that when I think of Seth, He thinks of me; and I know that this is the most basic form of prayer there is. So in a way, I pray to Him all the time – even while I’m at work or while I’m struggling to write a story. The real issue here is that I haven’t been doing as good a job of setting aside specific times when prayer is the only thing I’m doing. It’s not a crisis of faith or anything like that; I’ve had several of those before, and I’ve had enough of them to know that this isn’t one of them. I still feel Big Red’s presence in our lives; I know He still cares about me and my family, and He knows He’s still the most important thing in my universe. I’m just having trouble committing myself to ritual practice lately. I understand that this is a common problem with many religious people who become depressed, so I’m trying not to beat myself up about it too much. Maybe I need to think about trying a different approach to ritual for the time being.
Well anyway, there you have it; these are the reasons why I’m not posting as much lately.